“When you lose your ego, you win. It really is that simple.” Shannon L. Alder
What would you do if you knew some human tricks? May I offer a few principles of human nature and let you take it from there? You may use this on your partner, a child, a teen, bosses, teachers, book club friends, fellow athletes, etc. Ready to be elevated to a new level of understanding?
Here are some features of human nature:
1.) People like to correct others
2.) People like to talk about other people
3.) People have a need for recognition
4.) People have a natural proclivity to gossip
5.) People are naturally curious
6.) People want to reciprocate
7.) People can’t keep secrets without great difficulty
8.) People think of themselves as experts in their field
9.) People underestimate the value of the information they do possess
10.) People can’t hold two ideas in their heads if they are opposing ideas.
Over the next three weeks I will illuminate these points. I trust that you will safeguard this information and only use it for good please. The following discussion is on points 1-3 and you will understand the power of this soon.
I. People like to correct others.
Everyone has insecurities. If a person can correct someone else, their self-esteem is enhanced. Over time the positive feelings from correcting others is addictive and people will be correcting others to keep a positive loop of reinforcement happening.
Example: your co-worker is very challenging to you. You suggest an idea and they will correct you by stating the faults, misconceptions, errors in the idea. They do this every time. It is incredibly frustrating.
By knowing this principle and appreciating the good jujus your co-worker is receiving by their behavior, you can start tailoring your behavior. First is to recognize that the correcting behavior is not criticism per se. It is a response to a fragile self-concept. It is from the need to fight insecurities within this person. Secondly, the way this co-worker gets positive feelings is by the act of correcting. Your job is to suspend your ego – recognize the pattern and find other ways to help your co-worker gain a sense of security and positive self-image.
This principle works with challenging children who seem to thrive on conflict. They are exasperating. I live with one such child and I can lose my calm demeanor in a heartbeat when he relentlessly goes after everything I say. My mantra is to see life through his eyes and try to find other means for him to build a positive self-concept, deepen his self-esteem through non-antagonistic means. Very tough.
If we can succeed at utilizing this concept we can develop great relationships, elevate our struggling co-workers, family, and friends. Imagine the peaceful environment we could assist in creating if we practice less ego involvement and more understanding and nurturing of others.
II. People like to talk about others
Very similar to Point I, people like to show others that they are in the “know”. Sometimes the person provides information because they do not care about who they are talking about. Other time people provide a level of information to others that is dangerous for others to know.
Example: You overhear a conversation in the lunchroom at school or at work. Person A is telling Person B about in-office sexual indiscretions. Person A is telling Person B about a new product being developed. Or a new rule that may be implemented. Or the pension plans of employees are being changed. How confidential is this information that was shared?
Your response to hearing this information is critical. What do you do if it upsets you, or is in violation of company policy? How do you treat Person A after hearing this?
I can imagine your reaction is to not trust this person – especially with anything private. Best that you learn this about them as soon as possible. I urge you to practice safety around this person. That all people have this tendency, it varies to what extent people act on this aspect of their human nature. Protect yourself please.
III People have a need for recognition
Recognition is a powerful motivator. If you have a sympathetic ear and allow people to vent their feelings of being unappreciated, you can not only help them but help humanity by reducing this one person’s angst. One person at a time.
Conversely, if you want to learn more about a person, providing a compliment paves the way. The FBI and police departments use this concept to elicit information from assumed criminals. A compliment or recognition of a person’s efforts can relax a person’s wariness and encourage a person to talk. (The investigator says, I realize how intricately you planned your shoplifting spree.)
For those parents with teens this can work for you by recognizing your teen, you can provide a foundation to learn more about their inner world (and shenanigans). Example: As horrified, worried, agitated as you may be when your teen comes home after 2am, smelling of cigarettes and gum, suspend your ego. You are assuming there was smoking and drinking that the gum is supposed to mask. You may be right, but the object is to respond to your teen’s need for recognition.
You say Hi, how was your night? The teen mumbles incoherently. You say, thanks for coming in to say hello (of course they did not do this on purpose, you were waiting up). You remark:
I like your outfit tonight, your jacket, your boots, you rock that mini skirt, etc.
Or
I am glad you had a chance to have some fun tonight, I know life can be so stressful.
You may get more conversation started tonight or you may be paving the way to a conversation tomorrow when the teen is more awake, sober, etc.
The recognition that the teen has done something good – good outfit, came home to greet you, has a stressful life – it all builds a rapport. Rapport building leads to more authentic conversations. More conversations may lead to your teen making better choices out of a higher self-esteem. No guarantees but your teen needs to know you love them and recognize they have worth.
When we meet again next week, I will provide valuable take-aways from the next three principles. I hope this information can be useful to you at home, at work, in your volunteer positions. Readers may find utilizing these principles can help with dating AND truth finding. If you are interested in how to use these principles to discover truth, please let me know. The principles can be the magic wand to learn more on the first date and save yourself heartbreak or long period of futile dating. Just drop me a line at dearpepperjames@gmail.com if you would like this information.
Best to you at being the best you can be!
Pepper