Welcome back! Today we are going to flesh out the remaining human nature tricks. They are:
1.) People can’t keep secrets without great difficulty
2.) People think of themselves as experts in their field
3.) People underestimate the value of the information they do possess
4.) People can’t hold two ideas in their heads if they are opposing ideas.
Let’s peruse these and integrate them into our tool belt of relationship tips!
1.) People and secrets
Ben Franklin is credited with stating that three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead. Why is that true? Thinking about a secret triggers the known fact that self-disclosure is a human tendency. If a person has a secret- that is power. The juicier the secret, the more power a person has. Secrets are privileged information – how powerful it is to have privileged information!
To keep a secret a person has a two-part job – job one is to not disclose you have a secret and secondly to not disclose the actual secret. But telling someone you have a secret is so exciting and rewarding – you are flaunting your power. Another aspect of keeping a secret is the downside of being asked to keep a secret. Keeping secrets is anxiety provoking. When you tell the secret your anxiety actually decreases. Thus, the extreme difficulty keeping secrets.
2.) People think they are experts in their field
Everyone wants to be good at what they do – best mom, best barista, best boss, etc.… Our identities are based on being good at something. To build a relationship try asking people about what they are good at as a conversation jump starter.
Conversely, if you wish to elicit information, this human trait will help you. A compliment about the way someone is managing their job usually opens the person to discussing who is not as good at the job. If you are managing employees, this provides information about weak links in the staffing, inefficiencies, misuse of an employee’s time and other issues.
3.) Humans underestimate the value of what they know
This may seem like an insignificant statement. However, marketers, counterintelligence officers, detectives, parents all need to know this. The fact is that many pieces of information that may have no value individually can form something of value collectively.
Here is an example. The internet uses sophisticated algorithms to market products. As a mom you monitor your 14-year-old -daughter’s internet and notice a lot of ads for maternity products. Seems like your daughter is getting spammed. You are thinking of making angry phone calls to the advertising companies. BUT if you recognize the pieces of information as part of a puzzle, and add your daughter’s recent behavior and absences from school for flu like symptoms – do you see where I am going? Your daughter is pregnant.
One of my favorite expressions is “where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” Yes, understanding bits of information does help a person in many aspects. If your mind is racing to suspicions of infidelity or seeing signs that you or someone else may be laid off – just keep putting the puzzle pieces together.
4.) Opposing thoughts and just one brain
Here is the biggie! Walk with me through this strange concept. People can’t hold two opposing ideas in their heads at the same time. What?
I wish to provide an example and then discuss the explanation. Let’s make you, the reader, an English teacher. You have several students who came to class thinking they were good writers. When they see a poor grade on their first writing assignment, it doesn’t match their self-concept. Now they are faced with thoughts such as maybe I am not a good writer. The tussle is between the opposing thought of I am a good writer versus maybe I am not a good writer.
The students have three options as they are highly anxious about the opposing views. Option one to reduce the anxiety is to argue with you, the teacher, over the grade. A second option is to admit they are poor writers and try to improve their skills. Lastly, they can ignore the grade and denigrate you as a teacher, as a grader.
The backstory to this concept is that people want to maintain consistency or equilibrium. When there are two opposing thoughts it creates cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance raises anxiety which a person must reduce as quickly as possible.
So, the next time your significant other says that he is a good husband because he takes out the garbage once a week while you do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, social calendar maintenance, bill paying on a daily basis, an argument is sure to begin. If you tell him that he is not doing his share of the work therefore not a good husband, he will take one of three routes (or cycle through each one). He will state that you are wrong and flatly dismiss your statement. Or he can state that he does as much as other men and more, a clear effort to convince you. But the best outcome would be for your husband to try harder to be helpful – to live up to the concept of a good husband and achieve equilibrium.
I am excited to learn if this information was helpful to you. Please drop a line on the website, Facebook, or text me at 612-214-3601!
Best to you as you grapple with your new knowledge and turn it into a superpower!
Dr. Pepper