As we enter 2022 some folks are carrying baggage from 2021 and older. Baggage, in the way I want to address it today, is referring to negative emotions, persistent destructive thoughts, muddling in sadness, and the bottom musty yuck – guilt and remorse. These are very defeating items to pack and haul forward. It is akin to bringing your worst clothes – in disrepair and dirty, moldy, and smelly – on a dream trip.
Speaking for myself, I can cling to my worst “clothes”. Why? Do they feel familiar? Because I know how to navigate the rips? Can I douse perfume over the smells? Is it just a bad habit to always revert to my worst? Are the worst “clothes” just so readily available? Do I need time to acquire new “clothes” and I haven’t gotten around to it?
Well, to paraphrase AA – just for today I am going to try on new “clothes”. The new “clothes” is my metaphor for Radical Acceptance. What? Radical? Radical means not comfortable – radical means doing something totally new? How am I supposed to do that?
Chill. Here is the basic concept of Radical Acceptance – “it is what it is”. In this moment I accept what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. Perhaps an example will help.
My child is petulant this morning and the breakfast I have provided has been deemed as unacceptable to them. They want Chocolate Cheerios not plain Cheerios. My reaction can be thinking – dang kid, complainer, entitled little monster. A negative attitude towards the child. Or I can think, geez I can’t do anything right already this morning. OR with Radical Acceptance I can just respond – “it is what it is”. This is the cereal we have right now. Or to paraphrase teachers – it is what it is, don’t throw a fit.
If I accept reality – it is neither good nor bad. It just is. If I don’t accept reality and spin off into denial, blaming, or fighting the reality, it is still the reality. If we amp up the intensity of a situation – say I have been in a horrible car accident. Terrifying reality. If I practice Radical Acceptance, I am recognizing the accident happened. My body is presently in this state.
If I use my old baggage, I will be spinning into catastrophic thinking of "what if this happens" or "that happens." Or I can delve into blaming the other driver, maybe the second Bloody Mary I drank for breakfast, or being upset over an argument before I got into the car, etc. I can also keep a mantra of 'this cannot be happening' reeling in my mind. Did any of these change the reality? No.
The peace and calm from Radical Acceptance can fit into 2022’s suitcase quite nicely. In fact, there is a quirky saying I heard 20+ years ago that still makes me laugh. I was going through an antagonistic divorce (yep, that happened). The soon-to-be-ex had just informed our children’s guardian ad litem that he had 3 children when we had 4 children. I was furious he had lied. The guardian turned to me and said the immortal words, “you married it”. Yes, Radical Acceptance means accepting that I married it. Neither good nor bad. It was the reality. Try practicing “I married it” if you are in conflict. Or if there are work difficulties try, “this is my job”. Watch a calm just float over you.
My wish is that you pack “it is what it is” in your suitcase as you travel on your 2022 adventures.
Have a safe and happy trip!
Dr. Pepper James