If I whisper, will you hear me?

Dear Dr. James,

If I whisper, will you hear me? I am sure you can.

Guess who cannot hear a whisper, an alarm clock, an airplane jet taking off in our back yard? My partner. He is 70 years old and cannot hear the TV without it at full sound, which even the neighbors can hear. He cannot hear a normal tone of voice. He cannot hear his cell phone ring;

but, he says that I have a problem with mumbling and that the preacher isn’t using her microphone properly, and the TV is old, and the sound isn’t so good anymore. He says that he needs a new cell phone because his is over a year old and the ring tone is broken. Everyone and everything else has a problem.

Well, so do I. I cannot live like this. Help!

Signed,

Sore from shouting.

Dear Shouting Friend,

How frustrating this must be! I immediately hope that you are doing some extra self-care to balance this discouraging situation! Please tell me you are getting out of the home and enjoying life, pampering your weary soul somehow.

I am glad you wrote. This is not uncommon in relationships, especially as we age. I have several suggestions. After self-care (which does not involve alcohol, gambling, drugs, and other naughtiness), I recommend you have your own hearing checked. Make an appointment for yourself. Ask your partner to come with you so he can hear if there is bad news. Explain it is always important to have a second set of ears listening to medical discussions. I am not suggesting he have his hearing checked. Just you. It is his choice to accompany – no nagging. You take care of you regardless of his attitude or willingness. You can go alone. Perhaps even discuss with the facility what you are experiencing with your partner.

You are role modeling good self-care. He will observe your taking care of yourself in a calm, mature fashion. He might even choose to join you, but that is not the goal. The goal is your well-being.

This is not a manipulation or game. You are in charge of your health care. He is in charge of his own. One of the most important things partners can do is to take care of themselves. Think of the metaphor of the Oxygen Mask Rule we always hear on a plane: “Should the cabin lose pressure oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.” You are assisting yourself by having a hearing screening done. You must take care of your health, your mind, your soul.

A second maxim is from a battered women’s shelter, and I think applies to this situation. It states, “They will show you who they are, believe them.”Your partner is showing you who he is – he is someone who does not care about his health (or at least this aspect), nor does he care about his inability to hear you or others. Believe him. He is showing you. He knows he can’t hear. He is choosing not to hear.

I understand hearing assistive devices can be expensive. But this argument isn’t always based on facts – just presumptions. If your partner has obtained the information on what devices will help from 3 different vendors, then you can have a discussion. But not knowing facts is not acceptable.

I will share that at age 39 I had my hearing tested because I could not understand my marble mouthed children. The kids said my hearing was the problem; I thought their mumbling was the central issue. I gladly went to be checked. I did not want to miss a minute of their childhoods. I wanted hearing aids or any assistive technology that would help. I wanted to be fully functioning in the world.

People will help themselves when they are ready. In the meantime, take care of yourself. You do not need to accommodate your partner beyond what you are comfortable with. If, after he is checked, AND there is nothing that can be done, then work-arounds can be established. Meanwhile there is SO much technology available, most certainly you and your partner can live a life in a normal sound zone.

Best to you – you come first! Right?

Dr. Pepper