Dear Dr. Pepper,
My ex-husband and his new wife are exceedingly difficult for me to handle. I cannot stand to see them at school or athletic functions. Any advice for managing the tension?
Tense Tessa
Dear Tense Tessa,
Powerful question. Common situation. How do two people share parenting after an aggravated divorce? The arenas you are asking about are public ones -school and athletic events. Your behavior is one display for everyone to see, form opinions on and comment – usually in the form of gossip. And the chief viewers of the behaviors are your children.
Let’s start with the children. What do you want the kids to observe? What take-aways about being a kid of divorce, about divorced adults, about co-parenting despite a marital dissolution do you want the kids to observe? Notice I am not talking about a conversation or platitudes. I am talking about the loudest and most profound teacher – observation.
If you list say 3 take-aways or goals, what would they be? Perhaps you want the kids to see a friendly, calm demeanor between the divorced parents. Or do you wish the kids to see that they can move freely between loving parents without worry. Or do you wish the child to see that their needs come first and both families are focused on that priority?
I speak from harshly rendered experience that these goals are unfathomably hard to achieve. If you can do it, fantastic. If you can barely be within 200 yards of your ex, I understand completely. If this is the latter situation, here are 4 suggestions.
1.) Communicate clearly who will be at an event. Is it possible not to have both families? If both families want to be present, can there be an agreement for seating arrangements? Do as much planning ahead as possible can lessen the tension.
2.) Inform the child/children what the agreements are. Example – Daddy and his family will be on the bottom row of the bleachers. I will be on the top row. After the game/play/concert the child can see the parent who doesn’t have parenting time first. The parenting time parent can wait to greet the child. That way the child does not have to choose and show favoritism (by accident).
3.) Center yourself through prayer, meditation, therapy, friends – whatever nonalcoholic, doctor prescribed medication, stress reducing method – you can BEFORE you attend the event. Talk through to yourself your vision of calm, peaceful, genteel behavior. You are responsible for your own behavior and your responses to stress.
4.) If you mistakenly engage in battle, an argument, angry exchange – ask your child to forgive your lapse of judgement. Do not draw the child into the argument or reasoning, just accept the child observed bad behavior. And then reflect on why you lost it and decide on how to restrain the next occasion.
I know I am talking extreme self-control. I know you can do this…I know you can do this for the next 40 plus years of co-parenting. You might even excel at it after a while. If so, please write a book with your tips!
Best to you!
Dr. Pepper