Dear Dr. Pepper,
I screwed up and really need to apologize. But this person is so mad, I feel like I better get the apology right the first time. Not sure I will get a second chance. What makes a good apology?
Screw Up
Dear SU,
You are doing a most important job – preparing a sincere apology. I applaud you. Here are the four steps I recommend:
1. Be quiet and listen. An apology is not about you. Listen to hear the hurt of the other person.
2. Express empathy by holding yourself accountable.
3. Ask how you can make things “whole” again?
4. Plan to never let it happen again.
Here is a scenario and how it might sound:
Stepfather/Husband attends his wife’s family picnic. He felt ignored and had a bad time.
The wife senses he is smoldering mad. She wants to relieve the tension but isn’t sure what the issue is.
Wife: I feel something is bothering you.
Husband: Yes, I am so frustrated and mad.
Wife: Tell me more. (This is #1 – wife is quiet and hears the entire litany of issues and hurts.)
Husband: Your kids ignored me the entire picnic. Your mother ignored me. No one would talk to me. I had to eat alone because people talked around me. I felt like a sack of s_ _ _!
Wife: ***stays quiet. Nods head.
Husband: And then when your kid wanted a ride to the store for chips, he just assumed I would jump. Your kids treat me like a personal slave.
Wife: ***stays quiet. Nods head.
Husband: I hate living like this.
Wife: looks at husband to see if he is finished talking.
Sensing she can talk, she says “I’m sorry I didn’t realize what was happening. I completely missed how isolated you were. I haven’t taken your reactions seriously enough. This is not fair to you.”
At this point it is time to make things right/whole/repaired. This is second chance time. And the fix to really fix things.
After soliciting ideas from the stepfather on how to resolve the situation, it is time to discuss the feasibility, the timing, the responsibility for the chances, etc. Be open to ideas. Consider asking for time to figure out the fix.
Lastly, show your commitment to not having a repeat performance. This is super tough in some circumstances.
I trust this helps. If you need more help, please contact me directly at dearpepperjames@gmail.com.
Remember, “to err is human, to forgive is divine.” (Attributed to Alexander Pope).
Dr. Pepper