Dear Dr. Pepper,
You know how at the airport the constant mantra is “if you see something, say something”? Does this apply to outside the airport?
My daughter’s 7-year-old friend has changed within the last month. She has started to shout, is using profanity, and I am hearing that she is physically pushing my daughter at recess. I have taken the girls on playdates before, and this behavior is different. I am concerned something is happening at home, at school or somewhere that is impacting the friend.
Do I approach the mom or the teacher? I don’t want my daughter imitating these behaviors or getting hurt if the pushing continues. I am just worried – lots of bad things happen in life to people. I don’t want to ignore it and learn years later that the little girl was being hurt and this is her acting out.
Am I overly worried or overly involved?
K
Dear K,
Good question. First of all, thank you for being a caring adult in this young girl’s life.
Secondly, there is much to tease out. I want to illuminate two concepts: the national campaign for airports and the Mandated Reporter guidelines. I think you might be wondering if either of these could apply to your situation.
"If You See Something, Say Something®" is a national campaign that raises public awareness of the indicators of terrorism and terrorism-related crime, as well as the importance of reporting suspicious activity to state and local law enforcement. The “If You See Something, Say Something®” campaign works with partners year-round to empower and educate the public on suspicious activity and how to report it. The campaign has designated September 25 as “If You See Something, Say Something®” Awareness Day, also known as #SeeSayDay.
The answer is this slogan does not apply to your situation as defined.
Does the Mandated Reporter status apply? A Mandated Reporter is considered someone in these 4 groups – police officers, social workers, clergy, and teachers. The reporting is of abuse or neglect. You did not indicate you are observing abuse or neglect. Also you did not indicate you were working in one of these professions therefore let’s assume you are not a mandated reporter.
Here is the category I believe you fall into – Caring Adult. A human seeing another human changing in a sad way and wondering what is causing the change. As a fellow human, I would encourage you to support your daughter against the physical assault of pushing. Your daughter must tell the recess monitor or her teacher when she is pushed. Additionally, I would encourage you to provide fun playdates and nurture your child’s friend.
Rather than escalate your worry to possible physical, sexual, verbal abuse in the friend’s environment, perhaps you are witnessing changes to a grandparent’s health, a parent’s change of employment or hours, a sibling’s crisis, financial stressors in the home, etc. You can be the trusted adult if you listen, provide a safe environment to play in, and speak positively and in an assuring manner.
I hope this is a temporary state of mind for the child. If you feel it might not be, please reach out to her parent(s) and factually say what you observed and ask them for their advice to address profanity and the shouting. You want to support their parenting and align yourself with their goals and methods. By being open you may learn how to support the parents and the entire family. That is being a good human.
Bless you for your good heart.
Dr. Pepper